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Everyone you see if half asleep, and you're on your own, you're in the street.

Sep. 21st, 2010 | 01:36 pm
location: Soup2Nuts
mood: confusedconfused
music: Good Morning, Good Morning - The Beatles

 You know times are desperate when you return to a journal after two years.  I've not really had anyone to talk to this whole time to justify not having to write things down.  Not since early high school, really.  Friends have been scarce.  Many of them are dandy until you need them.  Then they try to get as far away from you as physically possible.  So then, you try your best to lock your humanity into a box so that you'd at the VERY least have company.  But as everyone knows... you can't lock that shit up for long.  And maybe that's why I find myself where I stand.  A stone and a half heavier, working for a living in the same old town, and eating alone at lunchtime because my friends have stopped inviting me to eat with them.  On my birthday.

On top of that, my family didn't send me any birthday wishes.  I'm slowly finding myself among the other exiled family members... i.e., the only two members on my mom's side that aren't dead, and my violently drunk father.  I don't know what I did to deserve to be disowned.  I know they're bitter about my going to college, saying its a waste of money and its my own fault that I'm poor... because I chose to continue my education instead of just picking up a job that doesn't require a diploma and a 150,000 dollar loan.

Am I just hard to be around?  Have I done things to make people avoid me?  I love everyone I've ever known.  I'll never lose affection for them.  Despite them dumping me ever-so passive aggressively.

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Drugged Up Rant

May. 3rd, 2008 | 08:46 pm
location: Dorm
mood: sicksick
music: Good Luck - Big D and the Kids Table

So yesterday, all of a sudden and almost out of nowhere, I seem to have come down with something awful.  I'm not so much feeling better today, as much as feeling different.  Yesterday I had an fever and I spent much of the night unable to sleep and making countless trips to the bathroom to remoisten the cold washcloth I had fused to my forehead and neck.  Today my fever's cooled down considerably and I now just suffer some minor aches and pains.  My skin seems unusually sensitive, and even just rubbing it hurts a little.  My throat's swelled up and I can't turn my head very well; I've been eating up cough drops like candy.  Still I managed to make it to school to do a little transferring and shooting, but I've been drugged up so much all day that I know my perception must be terribly off, so I'm trying to avoid human contact for the day.

I heart painkillers.

As classes come to a close and critique week approaches, I find myself worrying more and more about the lack of work I have to show.  I know I did a lot of work, but none of it is finished or even presentable or remotely professional-looking.  Perhaps this week I can spit out some coloured stuff... that always looks more finished than the poorly drawn crap I usually spit out for assignments.  I wonder if my lack of satisfaction in my work is founded or not.  Teachers seem to like me, but I wonder if it's because they see how worried I am and want to make me feel better... or maybe they say that to everyone.

After Tuesday, I'll be heading back to the 'burbs to furiously look for jobs and pull together some critique work.  Then when the summer starts, I'll hopefully have a job (full time or two part-time, ideally).

Good luck, with not forgetting who you are,
Good luck, even though it seems you have to
Good luck, finding your own way, not setting in where your not happy
Good luck, remembering it's only life
Good luck, not following what you don't believe in
Good luck, seeing many problems are only a big deal if you make them
Good luck, being someone who can always help someone out
Good luck, in remembering how much you can effect someone else
Good luck, with not being selfish
Good luck, with not being alone
Good luck, in this world we're all just trying to get along
Good luck, with not getting caught up
Good luck, with not getting stressed
Good luck, with figuring things out
Good luck, with doing your best
Good luck, with not losing yourself
Good luck, with standing for what’s right
Good luck, for being happy when you sit to review your life

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Weird Thought

Apr. 16th, 2008 | 08:15 pm
location: Dorm
mood: groggygroggy
music: Coffee and TV - Blur

Quelquefois, quand il fait beau, je souhaite que je suis née un garçon alors je pouvais être en publique sans une chemise.

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Apr. 11th, 2008 | 07:48 am
mood: discontentdiscontent
music: Save Tonight -Eagle Eye Cherry

Yeah.  I did it.
And I've switched my computer back and forth from French to English so many times that it doesn't really know what language it's supposed to speak anymore.  Livejournal seems extra confused.

So a good friend of the family just died yesterday morning, and I was really hoping to visit him in the hospital before he died.  For some reason I thought that he would hold on until the summer, but that doesn't really make any sense in retrospect.

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